I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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