I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
