Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
