I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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