ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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