Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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