you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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