Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
