my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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