i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
