i may or may not be watching the land before time
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
