I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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