John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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