I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
