Are we in a gay sports bar?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
