Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
