the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
