yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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