my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
