just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
