U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
