Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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