I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls