fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
