dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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