My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize