Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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