help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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