my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
