I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
