Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm like, not good at living.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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