I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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