she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
