woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
