I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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