im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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