Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
