note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
