My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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