well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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