a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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