Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
