I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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