the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Blood and glitter go together right?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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