I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
