I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
