My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
