I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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