First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
