Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
