i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is classic penis vs brain.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
