If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
