dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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