I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
