i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
as a side note pls kill me
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